In the Sun
by lionesseshuntbetterinpacks
Summary: I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong. And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy. And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen. And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in. May God's love be with you. Always. May God's love be with you. The following months after Derek's death.


**Okay so I won't lie, I randomly had this inspiration a few days ago to write this, this follows basically the nine/ten months that Meredith was missing while she was pregnant with Ellis, this will be a long oneshot. So it will take place right after Derek's funeral and up to her birth. This storyline also may not exactly line up with Grey's story line.**

**I tried to make this as perfect and emotional as I possibly could and it felt like it took forever to write and edit it. As always, please review, and if you know any Grey's Anatomy fanfiction that you enjoyed, feel free to PM the link or title of story.**

**In most of the italics, is going to be lyrics to the song In the Sun by Aron Wright, it is also the song that was played during Derek's funeral scene in the episode and not sure about you guys, but anytime I hear this song my stomach turns.**

_I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong_

_And falling down on your knees asking for_

_sympathy_

_And being caught in between all you wish for _

_and all you seen_

_And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in_

The past few days for Meredith had been a complete blur. She hardly could remember Derek's funeral, she remembered Cristina dropping everything and flying over from Switzerland to be with her. Cristina spent several nights at her house on Meredith's side of the bed while Meredith slept on Derek's side with Zola and Bailey in between them. The past few months, she had slept alone often while Derek was in Washing D.C., but this time, she was actually alone, he wasn't coming back. There isn't anyone there to hold her in the middle of the night. Derek isn't there to hold her and comfort her after experiencing a nightmare. There are so many little things she is now alone for.

Meredith remembered Addison holding her tightly in a hug while they both grieved together. Although Meredith and Addison definitely experienced their differences through the years, Meredith was thankful that Addison came to Derek's funeral. It would be something that Derek definitely would have wanted.

"Meredith," Addison spoke in a soft and soothing tone, "I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Derek loved you so much. He was and is so in love with you," Addison had tears pricking in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill at any given moment. Meredith didn't respond, she wasn't even sure how to respond. She had been getting the same sentences from hundreds of people. Instead, Meredith hugged Addison again, just as tightly as before. Meredith allowed herself to cry in Addison's arms. Addison rubbed her back with her hands, moving them up and down in a comforting manner, just like Derek always did for her.

Zola and Bailey both were not able to comprehend what was fully happening. Zola loved the attention that all of Derek's family gave her, she had several girl cousins that she quickly bonded with and Bailey was a huge hit with his aunts and even slept through most of the events. Zola mentioned every night how she wanted Derek to tuck her in, and Bailey being at that terrible two age, agreed with Zola with almost everything and would put up a fuss until he got his way.

All of Derek's family attended his funeral, his mom, Carolyn and his four sisters and their fifteen nieces and nephews. It was actually the first time that Zola and Bailey met all of their cousins. And of course, it took tragedy for it to happen.

Carolyn insisted on capturing a family photo, to have framed and to place against Derek's grave. _Grave. _Meredith shivered at that word. This would also be the first family photo with everyone pictured. Derek would have loved this moment. He would have loved to be here. This was his dream.

Carolyn was beyond supportive too. She offered a comforting hug or hand to hold when Meredith needed to be brought back to reality. Carolyn and Cristina helped watch Bailey and Zola while Meredith sat there just watching her kids.

After the gathering of Derek's funeral, the kids and Meredith drove back to the house. Cristina had a flight to New York to catch a connecting flight back to Switzerland that night and all of Derek's family were staying at a nearby hotel in Seattle. This was the first time that Meredith was alone in the gigantic house that Derek built for them. The Dream Home, as they called it.

Meredith chose to allow Zola and Bailey sleep in their own beds for the night to allow them to find a sense of routine after a few jumbled up days. As Meredith laid in silence, there was no heaving breathing or light snores filling up the silence in the room like it used to. No more kisses on the forehead when Derek came to bed after staying late at work. Any fight that Meredith caused between the two of them, she immediately felt guilty. The stomach pain hit her hard, almost to the point of wanting to throw up. And that is when Meredith decided. She decided she couldn't spend another minute here. She grabbed a large suitcase and threw as many articles of clothing into it as she could. She quietly entered Zola's room and then Bailey's room doing the same thing for them.

"Zola, Honey, wake up," Meredith coaxed rubbing her daughter's hair, "We're going on a little vacation and Mommy just packed you a suitcase,"

Luckily, Zola did not put up much of an argument and swung her legs out of bed. Zola made sure to grab her little stuffed bear, a stuffed animal that Derek got her for her first birthday she spent with her parents. Though Zola may not realize the significance of the bear, Meredith definitely noted it. Meredith lifted up Bailey as well, luckily for her though, Bailey stayed sound asleep. She walked her two children out to the car before opening it and strapping them in their carseats. Meredith walked back inside the house on more time to grab all of their luggage she had packed. She saw a sheet of paper and pen on the dining room table. Meredith quickly walked over to there and wrote down a note for whoever came over to the house to look for them. She didn't want to tell anyone where she was going, she just needed time alone with her kids. After the whirlwind of the week, she just needed time alone.

_The kids and I are safe._

It was the only thing Meredith thought to write down. Meredith took one last look at the dream house, not knowing how long she would be gone, she picked up the luggage once more and walked out to the car where a wide awake Zola and a sound asleep Bailey awaited her.

All Meredith felt was numb, she felt nothing, at this point Meredith would do almost anything to feel any kind of emotion. She would do almost anything to be able to down a whole bottle of tequila and cry herself to sleep. But she couldn't do that, she's a mom now, and not a young adult trying to cope with truamatic events. The three of them had been driving the highways for the past three hours, it was now well past midnight.

Meredith did feel one emotion. Guilt.

She felt guilty that their very last argument was caused by her. All the times she pushed him to go back to D.C. but he fought to come back to their family because that was the type of person Derek was. She felt guilty that she would never know that third baby that Derek wanted to try for so bad. She felt the warm tears start to fall down her cheeks, and she didn't try to stop them from falling either.

"You okay Mama?" Zola asked, she was wide awake now, although it was well past her bedtime and Bailey was sound asleep.

Meredith looked up to the mirror in the car so she look at Zola in the eyes to bring her reassurance.

"I'm okay, Love. Why don't you try to fall asleep," Meredith suggested.

"I'm not tired Mama. Is Daddy going to be where we're going?" Zola asked in her overly chirpy voice.

"Zola," Meredith sighed, "Daddy died. That's why we had a funeral and got to see your grandma and all your other family,"

"Oh," Was all Zola said. She clearly didn't fully comprehend the events over the past few days. How could she? She was only five and had herself a rough start to life before traveling over to America.

_May God's love be with you_

_Always_

_May God's love be with you_

At two a.m. Meredith pulled off the highway and to a small town. She wasn't exactly sure where she was at or even the state she was in, just another city a few hours from Seattle. After another half mile of driving through the town, there was a hotel that she decided would be okay to spend the night in. By this time Zola had fallen asleep as well, not wanting to wake either child, Meredith carefully unpacked the stroller from the trunk of her SUV that Derek had bought for their family and laid Bailey down in it, he rustled a little before settling back down, clutching his blanket in his fist. She was able to lift Zola herself and place her on her hip and allowed Zola to rest her head on her shoulder.

The hotel seemed safe and clean, a place where Meredith felt comfortable enough to stay at for the night. Upon entering the hotel, the three of them were immediately greeted by the front desk lady. The front desk receptionist was a little too perky for Meredith's liking especially considering the hour of the night. And once the lady saw the two sleeping kids Meredith had with her, she immediately placed her hands on top of her mouth and apologized for almost waking up the kids.

"I just need a room for the night," Meredith mumbled.

"Okay the nightly rate will be $124. Is your husband coming or is it just the three of you?" The receptionist asked. Husband. How she wished that Derek wasn't actually dead. That these past few days have been just a dream. That she'll wake up to Derek watching her sleep, holding her in his arms.

Meredith took a few moments to respond, she had to blink her eyes in hopes of holding back her tears. She tried to speak but had to hold off an additional few seconds in fear that her voice may crack

"No, its just us three," The receptionist knew that something was wrong, her smile turned to a concerned look. Meredith was still dressed in her black dress from the funeral yesterday afternoon, her makeup was probably nonexistent after all of the tears she had shed. The receptionist must have noticed both Zola and Bailey dressed in their all black outfits as well. Meredith reached down in her purse to grab her wallet before the receptionist saw her.

"Actually," The receptionist said, in a much more calm and comforting voice, "The room is on us tonight. Room 101, just down the hall,"

Meredith offered her a weak smile, "Thank you, I appreciate it," Meredith replied.

Meredith took the room key from the lady, and made her way to the room.

The room was a standard room. Two queen size beds and an attatched bathroom. Meredith laid Zola down on the bed and kept Bailey in his stroller. She was exhausted. All she wanted to do was to take a shower and curl up in Derek's arms. Sleeping alone. Definitely something to get used to.

"Dammit," Meredith muttered. As she realized that she left all their clothes and belongings she brought along with them in their car. Meredith could not bring herself to leave her two sleeping kids by themselves to retrieve them in fear that they would wake up in a strange place and Meredith not be there.

Meredith slowly and carefully undressed Bailey and leaving him his diaper and she did the same for Zola, leaving her in her Cinderella underwear. "Big girl underwear" as Zola called them.

Both kids were sleeping as sound as a rock, she tucked both of them in and though both of her kids loved to sprawl out while sleeping, she couldn't bring herself not to be right by their side while sleeping and she wasn't really sure if it was more for her comfort or theirs.

"I love you guys," Meredith whispered while wrapping her arms around both a sleeping Bailey and Zola, trying herself to fall asleep.

_I know I would apologize if I could see your _

_eyes_

_'Cause when you showed me myself I became_

_someone else_

_But I was caught in between all you wish for _

_and all you need_

_I picture you fast asleep_

_A nightmare comes_

_You can't keep awake_

"Meredith, its me again. Its been seven weeks, please just call me back to let us know you're okay. Amelia, Maggie, and I are super worried about you. We love you, Mer. We're ready to help you with anything. We're here for you,"

Meredith ended the voicemail. This had to have been the thousandth voice mail that had been left in the month and half she had left Seattle. She was able to find a four bedroom house to rent by the beach in San Diego for a rather cheap rate. Meredith chose not to find a job, she knew that the money her and Derek had would be more than enough for the rest of her life. The insurance company gave her a hefty check for Derek's death, however, she wanted nothing to do with the money she got for his death. Instead, she opted to open a savings account for Zola and Bailey and split the check evenly in each of their accounts.

She needed someone now. As much as she loved her kids, she needed to talk to an adult. She needed a hug, like an actual hug and not a hug from a five year old. She needed Derek and one of his hugs. Meredith never thought while she was growing up how dependent she would become on physical contact. She craved physical contact.

"There's a reason I always said she'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I believed if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if a person learns that you need love and you don't have? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever,". She made sure to write this down in her notebook that she sometimes would write in on the bad days of missing Derek. She swore to herself while in college that she would never fall in love, that she would never get married and that she would never have kids. Because Meredith knew herself too well, she knew if she allowed herself to have those things and something were to happen where her husband would die, she would never recover. But from now on, Meredith swore she would never be involved in another relationship. She loved Derek too much, how was she ever going to learn to move on from him? She wasn't.

But what was she going to do? It had been a week since Meredith found out she was pregnant. She couldn't believe the pregnancy test, that the test was a mistake. Her and Derek tried for years to get pregnant with Bailey and suddenly, she was pregnant a second time with only trying a handful of times. Meredith couldn't imagine now having to raise three kids by herself. How was she going to raise a baby who will never even know their father, or barely even have a father figure in it's life.

Something Derek always had wanted for their kids was to go to church, for them to join a youth group of kids their own age. Derek grew up going to youth group with Mark and he always mentioned the positive impact that it had on his life. Meredith, on the other hand, never once stepped foot inside of a church until her and Derek attended a Christmas Eve service one of the first years they were married. And this was something she could do for him and their kids, to take them to church and let them form their friendships there.

_May God's love be with you_

_Always_

_May God's love be with you_

Her first OBGYN appointment was scheduled while Zola was at the preschool at the church and Bailey at the church daycare. She knew Addison owned a private practice not too far from here and as much as she wanted Addison to be the doctor for her and her future baby, Meredith couldn't risk Addison telling everyone back in Seattle where she was at. She didn't want her kids to know about the baby right now either, it was still too early into her pregnancy. And if something were to happen to the baby, she wouldn't be able to cope.

Everyone in the waiting room looked to be further along than she was, their significant other with them, right by their side. And Meredith couldn't help but to feel jealous of them. That she was in this all alone.

"Meredith," a young blonde medical assistant spoke up.

Meredith stood up and followed the blonde to the back. Meredith knew the drill, step on the scale, they'll take her blood pressure, her temperature and just ask few simple questions.

130\. The number on the scale read. The medical assistant just wrote it down and didn't say anything, but Meredith knew that number was low. She probably looked like a skeleton, her weight should be at least 140 pounds. But ever since the three of them settled down in San Diego, Meredith's nutrition and health kind of got put on hold. She was solely responsible for two other kids and she found that task difficult enough.

"Okay, I'll lead you down to the examination room and Dr. Humphrey will be in shortly," The room wasn't big, just big enough to hold all the necessary medical equipment, "Just change into the gown that's laid out on the table," The blonde said and hurried away.

Meredith changed and one her shirt was off, she felt the chilly air brisk her back. Meredith neatly folded her clothes and placed them in your purse.

"Knock Knock," Dr. Humphreys said and opened the door. She was definitely much younger than she imagined. She almost reminded her of Maggie, the darker skin color and curly dark brown hair. "Dr. Meredith Grey?" She asked.

"Yes," Meredith said as she forced out a smile.

"Its a pleasure to meet you," Dr. Humphrey's said and she extended a hand out to her. "So do you think you're pregnant or do you know you're pregnant?"

"I'm sure, I took six tests and they all came back positive," Meredith chuckled, she still couldn't believe that she used five more tests to confirm what one said.

"Okay, so we'll skip the blood work today and we can go right ahead to the ultrasound,"

Meredith leaned back onto the chair and lifted up the gown. Dr. Humphrey placed the the sheet of paper over her pubic area for privacy. "I'm sure you know, but this will be cold,"

Meredith nodded and slightly jumped at the coldness of the jell.

Dr. Humphrey first took the doppler to find the heartbeat and that is when the most beautiful sound echoed in the room. Her baby's heartbeat.

"It's definitely a strong one," Dr. Humphrey pointed out.

Meredith felt tears prick in her eyes and they began to flow down her cheeks. Derek would have loved to be here right now.

_'Cause if I find _

_If I find my own way_

_How much will I find_

_If I find_

_If I find my own way_

_How much will I find_

_You_

Meredith overlooked Bailey and Zola while the two of them played at the ocean's edge. She loved how close to the beach they lived and how if she wanted to take the kids out, the beach was in walking distance and was always a hit with Bailey who wanted to keep hugging the sand. It also provided entertainment for the two children for hours, giving Meredith a chance to rest, her stamina was starting to become an all time low with this pregnancy. Although she hasn't experienced any complications thus far, having to keep up with two young kids definitely took its toll on Meredith.

Meredith suddenly felt the baby who was growing inside of her kick her ribcage, at 36 weeks pregnant, she definitely knew that the baby was getting closer to full term and had less and less room to move around. She ran into that problem with Bailey, that her petite frame had a difficult time supporting a growing baby inside of her.

Her cell phone started to vibrate and another FaceTime call was coming in from Alex. Meredith debated on whether or not to answer it, no one back home knew she was pregnant and the only thing that they have heard from her about eight months ago that her and the children are safe. This pregnancy was 100% secret and she wanted to keep it that way until the baby was born. But something in Meredith made her answer the FaceTime call.

"Alex," Meredith said sternly, she was able to look at his face and could tell that he definitely was lacking sleep and almost looked like he gain a few wrinkles on his forehead, "The kids and I are okay, stop calling me," Just as suddenly that Meredith answered the FaceTime, she ended it.

"Zola, no!" She overheard Bailey yelling at his older sister, after watching the two of them interact, she couldn't help but to imagine what will her life look like this time next year with another baby in the picture. As a single mom to three children under the age of six and working as an attending. Her irrational fear of turning into her mom haunts her more and more especially now that Derek is no longer there to keep her grounded.

Meredith felt the overwhelming concern of contacting Derek's mom, she was never too close with her, in fact Meredith only met her a handful of times before the funeral. But she deserved enough to know about her future grandchild. While Bailey and Zola were distracted playing in the sand, she decided to utilize the quite time to call her.

After searching through her contacts for the name of _Carolyn Shepherd, _she dialed her phone and i rang quite a few times

_You should just hang up now, Meredith. _Her thoughts overcame her.

"Meredith? Honey, are you alright?" The voice of Carolyn echoed in her phone. "Amelia has told me she's been trying to get in contact with you, she's quite worried. All of your friends from back home are worried,"

"I know, and I'm sorry," Meredith's voice cracked, how was she supposed to tell her about her pregnancy when she has told no one, "I know I disappeared with the kids, but I couldn't face anyone anymore. I needed time,"

"Of course you did Honey. I can't imagine how hard this has been on you. How are the kids doing?" Carolyn asked, in her caring 'mom' voice.

"I need to tell you something," Meredith's voice cracked once again.

"Meredith, you know you can tell me anything," Carolyn assured. "You are one of my daughters,"

"I'm pregnant, 36 weeks pregnant," Meredith knew the line on the other side was dead silent, "Derek and I talked about trying for another baby and part of me just agreed because I knew it would make him happy and because we struggled for years to get pregnant and to stay pregnant with Bailey. But of course within a few tries I became pregnant. But when I left Seattle, I had no idea I was pregnant. The possibility never even crossed my mind. I never planned on being away from Seattle for this long, but I knew I couldn't show back up several months pregnant,"

Carolyn hesitated before she spoke, she couldn't tell if Meredith was actually happy about this pregnancy and she didn't want to say something to push Meredith over the edge of her assumed weaker emotional state.

"Meredith, I'm so happy for you,"

"Thank you," Meredith weakly smiled as if Carolyn was right in front of her, "I'm sorry I haven't called you, or told you about this pregnancy earlier. I just feel so numb all the time and if it weren't for Zola and Bailey, I don't know where I would be at," Meredith confessed. Aside from Dr. Humphrey, Meredith has not talked to an actual adult and carry on a conversation for several months now.

"As soon as that baby is born, I will take the first flight out of New York to San Diego," Carolyn practically cheered from the other line.

"You'll be the first person I call," Meredith reassured, she would probably be the only call too because as of now, she is the only person who knows Meredith's secret. "I love you," Meredith spontaneously added.

"I love you too, Meredith. I'll talk to you later," Carolyn replied.

Once the two hung up, Meredith felt a sharp pain in her abdomen and her hand immediately went to where the pain was caused in her lower abdomen.

"Okay listen Baby, I need you to be in there for at least another week or two," Meredith sternly said. But the pain returned once again. Meredith sighed knowing that the Braxton Hicks were going to keep coming these next four weeks.

_I don't know anymore_

_What it's for_

_I'm not even sure_

_If there is anyone who is in the sun_

_Will you help me to understand_

_'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for_

_and all I need_

_Maybe you're not even sure what it's for_

_Any more than me_

"Okay Zo Zo, here's your snack. Cheese, bananas and," Meredith's sentence was cut off when a shooting pain shot through her abdomen causing her to double over in pain, "dammit, dammit,"

Meredith felt a warm liquid gush down her legs, it confirmed to Meredith that she was officially in labor. Early labor. And she had no idea what to do with her two young kids still with her. She couldn't call a baby sitter, not this late. But she definitely did not want Zola and Bailey in the delivery room with her.

"Actually, you know Zo? Maybe we'll take that and put it in a baggie and, ahhh," Meredith nearly screamed the last part. She hadn't felt this much pain since she was in labor with Bailey. She remembered how much pain she was in before her and Derek eventually decided to go on the c-section route. Derek made her labor pains bearable, he was there to hold her hand and to rub her back when she needed. How was she do this alone?

When another wave of pain rolled through her body, it caught her off guard and caused her to curse again in pain. Meredith fell to her knees and curled up in a ball in attempt to make the pain go away.

"Mommy, Mommy," Zola yelled with panic in her voice. Meredith made it a point to never let Zola or Bailey see her in a noticeable amount of pain. The first time Zola ever say Meredith cry was at Derek's funeral and even then she tried her best not to seem weak in front of her children. "Should I call 911?" The panic in Zola's voice increased.

Meredith debated on if she allowed Zola to call 911, if Meredith could muster up the strength for fifteen minutes, she could easily drive herself to the hospital.

_"Meredith, do not call 911," Ellis Grey snapped at her five year old daughter, "No matter what you see, do not call 911," _

_Meredith stood ten feet away from her mother, confused on what Ellis's words meant. Why would she need to call 911? As soon as that thought entered her mind, she saw her mother take a sharp object and drug it across her wrists. Meredith was a bright little girl and knew that someone should not be bleeding that much. The look in Ellis's eyes was something that brought horror to Meredith, the lifeless look of someone standing in front of her. _

_"Meredith, do not, do," Ellis was not able to complete her sentence before her eyes closed. _

_Despite her Mother's wishes, Meredith grabbed the home phone attached to the wall. In order to reach the phone, Meredith had to push one of the kitchen chairs against the wall and climb on it. Meredith practiced this time and time again in kindergarten, if you ever needed help and your mom or dad were not available, to call 911. And that is what Meredith did._

_"911, what is your emergency?" The young 911 operator asked._

_"My mommy tried to kill herself," Meredith replied calmly back to the operator. _

_That's when the operator's voice had a tone change, "Honey, how old are you?" _

_"Five," Meredith mumbled. _

_"Okay, it'll be okay Sweetie. Can you tell me what your address is?" She asked._

_"I don't know, I don't know where I live," Meredith panicked, "Please come, my mommy will die." Meredith almost never dared to cry in front of her mother. Her mother would have called her weak, and ordinary. Strong and extraordinary people don't cry. _

_"Its okay, it'll be okay. I am able to track your phone call and I am sending men to help your mom right now. They should be there in less than three minutes," _

_Meredith nodded, she heard the lady on the other side of the phone to stay on the line with her, but all Meredith wanted to do was to curl up in her mother's arms. And that is what she did. Ignoring the blood, Meredith actually found comfort. It wasn't often that Ellis offered up to hug Meredith. In fact, Meredith couldn't remember the last time she hugged her mom or anyone really. She saw other kids in her class hug their mom when they would drop them off at the classroom. That was something Ellis never did, it was up to Meredith to walk herself to the classroom. _

_Once the paramedics arrived and loaded Ellis up in the ambulance, one of the paramedics picked Meredith up and brought her to ride on his lap in route to the hospital. Where they lived, typically the ambulance would be in route for Seattle Grace, but for whatever reason, the ambulance was in route for Mercy West. _

_It felt like hours before another lady came and got Meredith from the play room for the kids._

_A tall and petite African American lady walked up to her while she sat on the bean bag chair reading a book. Meredith had not been given a change of clothes yet and was still wearing the t-shirt and jeans covered in her mother's blood. _

_"Meredith?" The African American lady asked. Meredith looked up at her, "My name is Natalie. It was very brave of you to call for help like that. You saved your mother's life." _

_All Meredith could do was nod her head, "Please don't tell my mommy I cried," Meredith confided. _

_Natalie offered a weak smile for the five year old and hugged her tightly for a moment. "I promise I won't tell your mom. Your mom will be in the hospital for a few days recovering. I'm going to bring you to this home with other kids around your age. Think of it as having a sleepover with your friends for many nights," _

_Meredith acted excited, but truthfully, she had never been to a sleepover before._

_The two weeks Meredith spent in the home, she didn't speak a single word to anyone. Not to any of the other kids or her stand in mommy and daddy, no matter how many times they all tried to get her to talk, Meredith refused. It wasn't because Meredith was shy, it was because she was scared, truly scared, and all she wanted was to hug her mommy and daddy. _

_The day Ellis picked her up the home, was the day Ellis told her to pack her three favorite toys because they were moving._

Meredith recalled how that day her mom tried to kill herself scarred her. All that blood all over the kitchen floor, her mom's face right before passing out from blood loss and the two weeks she spent in foster care.

"Yes Zola, call 911,"

Meredith didn't remember the ride to the hospital.

"Dr. Grey," a nurse from the hospital spoke, "we're about to begin,"

"My kids," Meredith panicked, "Where are my kids?"

"Don't worry," The nurse assured, "They are with a social worker now the in the hospital daycare,"

Meredith felt the doctors and nurses around her prep her for an emergency c-section. The numbing medicine was placed all over her abdomen. The medical staff around her worked quickly and efficiently. Meredith observed and even performed numerous c-sections, they're easily one of the quickest surgeries and nearly any doctor would be able to be able to perform one. But now that Meredith is the one on the operating table, a c-section seems more scarier than normal.

"Okay Dr. Grey, a little pressure here," A doctor spoke, "And its a girl," The doctor spoke out.

A girl. A little girl.

It was moments after the baby was delivered that her cries echoed in the surgical room. A nurse cut the umbilical cord and brought the baby around to the curtain that was hiding Meredith's abdomen from her. All she could see was Derek in her. Derek's hair, his lips, his chin.

"Dr. Grey," The surgeon announced, "We're going to close you up and wheel you back to recovery,"

Meredith nodded her head.

_May God's love be with you_

Meredith held her newborn daughter close to her, enjoying the fresh moments of skin to skin contact. Her daughter latched the first time during their first attempt to breastfeed. And when there was a knock on the door, Meredith turned her head. She was hoping that the social worker got the word that Meredith was now in recovery and brought Zola and Bailey up to see her.

"Dr. Grey, your husband is here," A nurse stated at the door and watched Alex appear from behind her.

The nurse left and allowed the door to shut behind her.

"So you have me listed as your emergency contact, huh?" Alex half chuckled.

"I had a baby," Meredith replied, not knowing what else to say. "It's a girl and she's beautiful,"

Alex walked over to Meredith's bed and saw the baby who was breastfeeding.

"She looks just like Derek," Alex noted.

"Yeah,"

"Meredith, I'm so sorry about Derek. I'm so sorry for none of us making a stronger attempt to find you," Alex confessed.

Meredith felt the baby unlatch and she was quick to cover up her exposed breast. Meredith looked down at her daughter, watching her still root. Meredith could not get over the fact her newborn daughter looked exactly like her husband.

"Its okay," Meredith replied, "Do you mind finding the social worker who has Zola and Bailey? I want them to meet their new sister,"

_Always_

Like Carolyn promised, she was on the first flight out to San Diego. Carolyn even offered to drive Meredith and the kids back to Seattle, knowing that Meredith was in shape to make that long drive on her own with three young kids.

Back in Seattle, in the dream house, Meredith laid relaxed in her king sized bed. She had Ellis laying on her chest, completely content. Unlike Bailey, Ellis was an easy baby. She only cried if she were hungry or she needed a diaper change. Zola is obsessed with Ellis, she's always wanting to play dress up with her like she does with her dolls. At first, Bailey was hesitant to go anywhere near Ellis but after several weeks and encouragement from Zola, Bailey began to show more interest.

Derek was on her mind every single moment, after starting back up at Grey-Sloan, she found some of Derek's old scrub caps and swore she would wear them in every future surgery she would scrub in on. The littlest things reminded her of Derek, from the way Zola would act, from the way Bailey would speak, and the way Ellis look, they all three reminded her of Derek.

Though each day, the pain of missing Derek was still there, the love and joy all three kids brought to her life. And the supportiveness of her family of surgeons at Grey-Sloan, Meredith knew she would be okay. Her epic love story came to an end, but she knew that Derek would always be there. Always.

_May God's love be with you_

**Okay, I hope you guys enjoyed this little one-shot. I definitely had a lot of fun writing it! I have a few more one-shots and short stories in the works right now. Also, let me know if guys have any sort of Grey's Anatomy fanfiction ****recommendations! **


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